And then, Life Happened
After the traumatic birth and first year with my identical twins, I was faced with a problem that never existed in my world. I was really overweight, unhealthy and really unhappy. With my first child, I was young, active, excited for the new life adventure ahead of me, and lost the weight (for the most part) within a year or so. Fourteen years later, there was nothing similar to that first experience.
We had suffered the devastating loss of one of our twins after almost a year with him, struggling in the NICU & PICU. Born at 27 weeks and just over one pound, I knew the odds were tough. He fought so hard to live, every single day. We had so much hope. Five days before his first birthday, his heart & lungs finally gave out and we lost him. My emotions were in shambles. I was grateful for having known him, but felt ripped off at the last minute because I never got to take him home and keep him. For me, it was the ultimate compliment from Mother Nature herself; An opportunity to Mother identical twins. I felt chosen, cherished, special. And after all of that suffering he endured (and smiled through) he didn’t get to stay. It was confusing to feel lucky and cheated all at once.
I had the other half of the twin to care for and our older son who still needed me. I couldn’t find the energy to keep moving forward with my new reality, and also be active, and take care of me. For the first time in my life, I was aware of what I needed to accomplish but unable to make myself comply. I watched as I didn’t do anything about it. I just couldn’t.
I was imbalanced. I felt weak & ashamed. Ashamed, that I had let myself get to such an unhealthy place (even while I finished off the pint of Ben & Jerry’s). I felt weak because I couldn’t just push through, like I always did. It wasn’t really my fault, and yet I was the only one that could make the change. I had all the control, all the power and I couldn’t figure out how to wield it. I had never seen this side before and I couldn’t just shake it off. Finally, I understood what I could never relate to so many others about; A roller coaster ride gone off the rails and headed for oblivion lined with Oreo cookies & self loathing. I hated it.
Love & acceptance comes before growth.
When I was busy raising kids, building a career, renovating houses and planing for the future, I’ve become an older woman. It happened when I wasn’t looking. Suddenly, it wasn’t as easy to reel it in, it wasn’t a simple matter of doing a few crunches and minding my carbs. As much as I like to think I’m in control, I was a slave to what I had become, what my situation had allowed me to be. Limited by my physical frame, my sorrow, money & my time, as I was. I knew I had to start somewhere. I needed to find something that worked for me. I needed to understand why I could look at other people and see beauty in all shapes, sizes and colors, but was completely disgusted by my own naked form. Love and acceptance comes before growth.
Hate before love, actually
Hatred comes before love and acceptance, if I am being really honest. I ended up having to viciously hate where I was in order to actually take the right steps and start to make progress. I had to hate what I was becoming, how I looked, how my future self looked. I didn’t hate myself, just the package. It shouldn’t matter at all, but it did to me. My inner monologue had become someone I didn’t recognize. Constantly, I had to remind myself that I had control, I could change this. It started to be an ongoing conversation. I didn’t want to hate my body. It had been good to me and it deserved to be strong and healthy. It was up to me and I knew it. I thought about it everyday, wondered when it would get easier. When would I have the courage or strength to try?
Finally, one day, I gave myself permission. It was enough; I hated it enough and for long enough, that I took a step that started the progress. No one is the same after carrying twins physically, and I can’t imagine that I could be expected to be the same emotionally, after loosing one of them. Knowing, I was embarking on a journey of many levels and that it might take some time, I realized, “back to normal” would never happen. My mind set, gradually started to change, to see the positive, to feel empowered (and pissed off) enough to get moving. I also worked to try to understand and accept this version of myself, while I started working vigorously to get my body to a healthy place.
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